Then Sings My Sole....

My New Toms! For those of you who don't know Toms Shoes exists to shoe children in need. They promise that, "With every pair you purchase, TOMS will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need. ONE FOR ONE."

My school sponsored a style your shoes event, where we all bought TOMS through our school then had a painting party. This is what I did with mine, and this is my first pair. I encourage you to buy a pair, if you don't like the style then buy a pair for someone you know would, to help TOMS in their mission to help children protect their precious little feet.

You do not have to paint them, they offer tons of styles. however, for you artsy-fartsy types, by a white pair and use it as your canvas of inspiration!

Dependence: Where Do We and Where Should We Place It?

   I awoke in the middle of the night at around 3:30 am, to use the bathroom, and when I lied back down, it took me awhile to fall back asleep. As I laid there in the stillness of the early morning hours, I began to meditate on life. The conclusions I made last night were reiterated this morning in the mundane routine of a Monday morning. This is what I dwelt on last night as I was left to my own thoughts.

What do we depend on in life? Is it technology, our beauty, our minds, artistic ability, our parents, friends, or ourselves. I think the answer is individualistic, yet the one truly disturbing thought I had last night was, do we truly depend on God? I looked at all the above mentioned dependencies and thought to myself, I spend so much time trying to depend on myself and my mind to get me through my higher education, especially my mathematics courses, that I am not sure how much I truly depend on the Father who created me. When I have problems, I run to close friends, my parents, and my boyfriend, but when do I depend on God. The answer startled me: I only truly depend on God when every other mode of dependency fails me; when my parents don't pick up, or that the others in my life, and myself included, let me down. This is a scary thought mainly because I truly thought I lived my life dependent on God. To realize He was my last resort saddens my soul, and causes my heart to ache. I am supposed to be the most vulnerable to Him, I am supposed to place all my trust in Him, and find solace and rest in Him when there is no comfort around me.

   These thoughts were provoked from something my boyfriend had said earlier that day. I had become so frustrated with my math problems for the week that I just wept. It stems from my last blog post about frustrations. I get angry with myself when my brain does not work as efficiently as I want it to. I am not as smart as I want to be, and many things do not come easily to me. I know these struggles are what will help me become a better math teacher in the long run, but I feel like a failure when I look at others in the same program as me. I feel stupid, and I get angry at my stupidity. The true pity is that I wrote about how that makes me awe God on November 4th, and on November 7th, it didn't. That is what breaks my heart, how easily I forget the One to whom I owe everything. Not only did I ignore His presence, but I insulted His creation as I insulted my own mind...

   I need to depend on God more, and trust Him more with the daily circumstances I face. I look at all He has done for me and I don't understand why but I love Him and praise Him for it. I hope that these words I write are not just idle thoughts, but that they are a reality for me and whoever else reads this. The Lord is the One  we all can and should be depending upon. It's nice to run to our parents and friends as well, but if we are not running to God as well, then to whom to we depend on? 

 How I picture a place of solace in my mind. I hope that's me reading the Bible, and finding peace from the words of my Creator. 

Frustrations

Do you ever feel inadequate? I do when I do not understand things, especially when they are mathematical in nature. In my discrete mathematics class we were posed a problem on the first day of class that we have been working on. This week, our chapter provides the information needed to solve the problem, however I cannot seem to understand all of the parts involved in the solution. It is very frustrating. I have been stuck on the same mental block for 8 weeks, and I just cannot seem to overcome this problem that has been proposed. I do not like this disequilibrium, however, it is humbling and causes me to remember that my mind is so small and insignificant to the mind of God. His genius is unsurpassed and He does not get frustrated over not knowing the answers, because He is the one who designed math and knows all of its ins and outs far better than we could, even if we had an 1,000,000,000,000,000... years to study it. That awes me. Our God, the Ultimate Mathematician, always has know and will always know that solution to the problem, even if I never solve it on this earth, that gives me a sense of peace. There is One who has all the answers when I do not. Inadequacy and frustrations within my own mind are what cause me to fall on my knees and praise the One who created me.