What do we depend on in life? Is it technology, our beauty, our minds, artistic ability, our parents, friends, or ourselves. I think the answer is individualistic, yet the one truly disturbing thought I had last night was, do we truly depend on God? I looked at all the above mentioned dependencies and thought to myself, I spend so much time trying to depend on myself and my mind to get me through my higher education, especially my mathematics courses, that I am not sure how much I truly depend on the Father who created me. When I have problems, I run to close friends, my parents, and my boyfriend, but when do I depend on God. The answer startled me: I only truly depend on God when every other mode of dependency fails me; when my parents don't pick up, or that the others in my life, and myself included, let me down. This is a scary thought mainly because I truly thought I lived my life dependent on God. To realize He was my last resort saddens my soul, and causes my heart to ache. I am supposed to be the most vulnerable to Him, I am supposed to place all my trust in Him, and find solace and rest in Him when there is no comfort around me.
These thoughts were provoked from something my boyfriend had said earlier that day. I had become so frustrated with my math problems for the week that I just wept. It stems from my last blog post about frustrations. I get angry with myself when my brain does not work as efficiently as I want it to. I am not as smart as I want to be, and many things do not come easily to me. I know these struggles are what will help me become a better math teacher in the long run, but I feel like a failure when I look at others in the same program as me. I feel stupid, and I get angry at my stupidity. The true pity is that I wrote about how that makes me awe God on November 4th, and on November 7th, it didn't. That is what breaks my heart, how easily I forget the One to whom I owe everything. Not only did I ignore His presence, but I insulted His creation as I insulted my own mind...
I need to depend on God more, and trust Him more with the daily circumstances I face. I look at all He has done for me and I don't understand why but I love Him and praise Him for it. I hope that these words I write are not just idle thoughts, but that they are a reality for me and whoever else reads this. The Lord is the One we all can and should be depending upon. It's nice to run to our parents and friends as well, but if we are not running to God as well, then to whom to we depend on?
How I picture a place of solace in my mind. I hope that's me reading the Bible, and finding peace from the words of my Creator.
Frustrations are a norm in the academic world. The problem you state with dependence is also not uncommon and something I struggle with as well. As those of us that are called to educational fields we will no doubt find ourselves in the midst of turmoil, especially intellectually.
ReplyDeleteWhat we need to remember is that when we put our brain to useful tasks (for you, mathematics, amongst other things) we are engaging in worship. God has blessed you with a passion and you are required to use that passion to glorify our Lord. With anything done in worship, there will be trials and frustrations. I believe that it is when these trying times come where God provides opportunities for creativity and originality. Embrace these times. It is ok to seek help from those around you, but keep in mind that your passions are from God and he is with you always.